(Applause)

RIGHT HONORABLE JUSTIN TRUDEAU (Prime Minister of Canada): Hey boys… it is 2016.

(Laughter)

Now I have to warn you, I’ve been making edits on the fly to my speech.  The Governor General stole all my best lines.

(Laughter)

Yes, that’s how it’s going to go tonight.

(Laughter)

I’m going to start with a couple of quick acknowledgements.  First, I want to thank my caucus colleagues for being here tonight.  We don’t normally whip attendance at these kinds of events, but apparently we can use the practise.

(Laughter)

I also want to thank our host, Manon, for doing an extraordinary job this evening.  It must be a bit disconcerting for you to be in a room where there are more guests than people who subscribe to Le Devoir.

(Laughter)

Anyway, Manon, I hope you’re not still upset about the business with the scrums on the third floor.  After all, your reporters don’t listen to us and neither do our ministers.

(Laughter)

And finally, I really do want to thank VICE for letting you all into their exclusive tonight.

(Laughter)

Tonight, we come together to celebrate the 150^th anniversary of Canada’s Parliamentary Press Gallery.

(Cheers & applause)

150 years of comforting the afflicted, afflicting the comfortable, and from time to time having the incomparable Kerry Fraser narrate play-by-plays of prime ministerial elbows.

(Laughter)

I have been banging on the glass, working my whole life to have Kerry Fraser notice me – it’s possible I went a little too far.

(Laughter)

Of course, as a Habs fan, I can’t agree with all of his calls, but nice hair though…

(Laughter)

I want to acknowledge some of the other guests who are here tonight.  Rona Ambrose has done a great job as Interim Leader of the Opposition, hasn’t she?

(Applause)

I’ll tell you, it’s been really nice for Liz and me to have another female party leader in the House.

(Laughter)

Tom Mulcair recently had some problems with his NDP colleagues.  That probably reminded him of his last years with the Quebec Liberals.

(Groans)

Speaking of the Quebec Liberals, at least now he’ll have the time to enjoy Mount Orford, which he fought so hard for.

(Laughter)

But Tom and I, we’re not really that different.  For example, if polls are to be believed, Tom Mulcair’s number is now also 9.

(Laughter & groans)

So, I’ll let you invent your own segue on this one, but in case anyone was wondering, I won’t be swearing tonight because my mom is here.  Actually, how about a round of applause for Kim Cattrall.

(Applause & laughter)

And, finally, someone without whom I would not be Prime Minister here tonight standing before you, without whom guaranteeing she’d be up here on stage with me, I wouldn’t be up here in front of you onstage, I want to ask you to join me to welcome the mother of my oh-so-convenient-and-effective-props – my children – the daughter of my globe-trotting in-laws, and Canada’s First Lady of Song, please put your hands together for Sophie Trudeau!  Sophie Grégoire!  Sophie Trudeau-Grégoire!  Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau…  Sophie!

(Applause)

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU (Spouse of the Prime Minister of Canada): Hello, hello!  Hello.  Thank you.  Oh, thank you so much.  It’s a… listen, it’s… the truth is that I’m now taking my cause in both hands to be here on stage tonight.  So thank you for welcoming me.

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Sophie, Sophie, what are you wearing tonight?  We all want to know.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: Oh my god, thank you so much for asking!  So, I’m wearing Canadian… all Canadian.  So this is untitled, from Quebec… Montreal, the doer of designers.  And these earrings are Sappho, originally a Montreal designer who is now living in Toronto, so it’s all Canadian.  I’m wearing Canadian.  Thank you!  Thank you so much!

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: And you look fabulous, baby.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: Thank you.  You know, when I thought of the opportunity that I was going to have to be here on stage in front of all of you tonight, I thought, it’s the best chance I have to express myself in song!

(Laughter & applause)

And…

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: (Inaudible).

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: …and you were so kind to me the last time I sang and… you know…

(Laughter)

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Yeah, they were… you were great, really!

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: You put me out there in all the newspapers and in the media.  Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!  Thank you.

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: We… we all appreciated that.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: And, you know, I always speak from the heart… with an open heart as a yogi, and so I called the PMO… I called the PMO and they always… like, I always let them know how I feel.  And I said, alright listen, in order to do this I need a pianist, a cellist, and a violinist, because I need a team – I need to feel supported… right?

(Cheers & applause)

Thank you.

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: It’s true.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: As you can see… well, the one thing that I couldn’t believe is that… and you probably don’t know this but nobody can play the harp on your team.

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Yeah, no, we’re working on that.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: I love… I love… I love the harp.  Love the harp.

(Laughter)

So, I thought, listen, I can solidly on my own, right?  So I’m going to sing for you tonight…

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Boom badoom …

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: So clear and so bright…

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Boom badoom…

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: What’s the next line…?

For gettin’ his selfies…

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Boom badoom…

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: Cuz it’s all about me…

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Boom badoom…

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: My brooch, the nannies, my hair…

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Boom badoom…

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: Sophiegate everywhere…

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Boom badoom…

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: ‘Cuz it’s all, all, ohhhhh, it’s all about me…

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Boom badoom…

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: Thank you.

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Thank you.

(Wild cheers & applause)

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Thank you.  Thank you Sophie!  You have left me inspired and uplifted, and I now can get on with the rest of my speech because I’m feeling totally grounded now.  Thank you.  This grounds me, really.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: What?  You’re feeling totally what, sorry?

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Grounded.  Yeah.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: You’re feeling grounded?

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Yes.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: No, no, no, no, no.  So when I sing, my love, it’s about being elevated.  It’s elevating ourselves up into the skies!  But… in yoga, it really is about being grounded.  And, um, team!  Team!  Yoga mat please!  Hello!  Yoga mat please.  Thank you!

(Laughter)

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Right over here guys.  Right over here.  Yup.  Gerry?  Just pay attention.  Thank you.  Yup.

(Laughter)

So line it with the speaker a little bit.  Thank you.  I don’t roll or unroll mats, eechh!  They get… tend to be dirty.

(Laughter)

Thank you.  Thank you!  Alright!  Thank you.  And I’m sure that you all know that in politics, it’s really about keeping a balancing act and finding peace and quietness amidst the chaos and amidst the adversity.  And so, in yoga, it’s always important to keep at least the hands or the feet to the ground. 

So, my love, when you do this… and you should be doing more of it, right?  You keep your hands here and then the balancing act goes like this… right?

(Wild cheers & applause)

So, you should be doing more of this because you’d be hitting less people, my love, right?

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: (Laughs).

(Laughter)

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: And this is really good for anger management.  Tom?  You want to try it?

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Yeah.  No…

(Laughter)

I think…

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: Alright.

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: Tom… Tom’s not going to hurt his brand by… by coming up here tonight.  But, thank you, baby.  I should really continue with my speech now.

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: Don’t go yet, my love.

(Wild laughter & applause)

SOPHIE GRÉGOIRE TRUDEAU: Did they have the shot?

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: I think they got it, yeah.

(Laughter & applause)

RT HON JUSTIN TRUDEAU: So that was totally normal.

(Laughter)

Since the election, my communications team has made sure that I look after important business: photo-ops with pandas, kissing babies, taking selfies, boxing on camera… boxing on camera.  Strangely enough, my team still hasn’t asked me to do a strip-tease or come charging down the stairs on camera, but I’ve been assured that we have three years. All in good time.

(Laughter)

I was also going to tell you this great joke about quantum physics but then I realized I’d have to explain it all, and since it was an incredibly subtle punchline, I decided not to bother because I didn’t want to bore you.

(Groans)

No, I know some of you want to know when my office will become subject to ATIP.  I don’t know why you need that when my entire search history is already online.  Take a look.

“Did media party have a Cabinet shuffle?”

I need to know this stuff.

“Reporters names Justin”

(Laughter)

I’m looking at you Ling.  Sometimes, I look things up to help me make important decisions.

“Tie colours that show regret”

(Laughter)

And sometimes it’s a little too late.

“Does NRC have a time machine… please…?”

(Laughter)

Sometimes it’s too late because, let’s face it, I’ve got more mistakes than Jason Kenney has deleted tweets.

(Laughter & murmurs)

Like that time I said I admired China…

(Laughter)

Oh yeah… that… that’s why I said that.  My… my spinners will have told you, it’s called “playing the long game.”

(Groans)

Speaking of long games, I’m a little sad that President Obama will be leaving public office soon.  There’s been a lot of talk about my “bromance” with President Barack Obama – how I look up to him, how I have so much to learn from him, and unlike Barack, you’re absolutely right.  Thank you for pointing it out… again.

(Laughter)

I have to admit though, I’ll miss his leadership and his good advice.  I will not miss the wedgies.

(Laughter)

Some of you have asked me what I think about Kevin O’Leary.  I actually think he’ll do great!  His résumé includes time spent in Dragon’s Den and a Shark Tank.  What better training ground for Wednesday morning caucus meetings, whether he runs for the Liberal leadership or the Conservative leadership.

(Laughter)

But Kevin, if you do decide to go into politics, I hope you’ll first take 7 days of training to help you make the transition from the business world to the political arena.  Mr Péladeau only did 5 days, and he obviously missed some really key things during the last two days.

(Groans)

Before I finish, I want to give a few shout-outs to the lickspittles.  First, I have to congratulate Paul Wells on finally joining the Liberal party… oh no, sorry, I meant the Toronto Star.

(Whoops & applause)

Congratulations also to Jeffrey Simpson whose upcoming retirement surprised many of us, mostly because we thought he’d retired ten years ago.

(Laughter)

And to Rosie Barton, whose freckles, as it turns out, are actually an allergic reaction to being exposed to so many talking points.

(Laughter)

And then there’s TVA. Well, TVA doesn’t bring their reporters out very often. Raymond and Michelle weren’t even in on the biggest public interest story of the year: home invasion by a large wild turkey in the Outaouais.

(Laughter)

Honestly, it’s disappointing.  Where were you?  You know, first on the news, last on the scene.

(Laughter)

The big guns from Radio-Canada, they know they’re loved.  Mélanie Joly revealed the worst-kept secret in town.  Nothing to it, Radio-Canada.

(Laughter)

And of course, I can’t not mention Terry Guillon.  True story.  I remember how disappointed I was to read that Terry was leaving the Press Gallery until someone told me, he was leaving because I had hired him.

(Laughter & applause)

Now to these individuals and to the many, many more who dedicate themselves to this 9 to 5 beat.  Thank you for your hard work.

(Laughter)

It’s a tricky relationship.  The dance between those whose job it is to make smart, tough decisions, and those whose job it is to ask tough questions about those decisions when they turn out to be really, really dumb.

(Laughter)

It isn’t always easy.  It isn’t always nice.  But a healthy democracy needs your work as much as it needs mine… okay… even more…

(Laughter)

And with that, I offer you my congratulations on 150 years.  May you continue to be a thorn in our side for centuries to come.

Until next year, thank you very much.

(Cheers & applause)